You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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