You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
One venti cheeseburger please.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.