You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
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Our lord and savoury.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
You had me at “define legal”.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Hmm, not sure about this change
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist