You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
when someone rings the doorbell
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.