you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
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You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Chicago sounds lovely.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies