you mean to tell me that wasn’t a drinking fountain you installed in your bathroom toilet?
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
lmfao
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His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
🤣
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Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]