You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
“i miss shittin on people”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
🙂🐾
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.