You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
You Might Also Like
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I鈥檇 bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I don鈥檛 know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid鈥檚 toys
If you鈥檙e looking for an experimental couple, we鈥檙e trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
God: How鈥檚 it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I am a(n):
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It鈥檚 okay if you say no. There鈥檚 probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.