You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
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My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown