You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Haha! 😂
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May