Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”