“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”