You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
You Might Also Like
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
the icebreaker
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?