You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
why isn’t he texting back
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”