@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

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@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

@DartsBofficial

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

@Reverend_Scott

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

@UnFitz

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

@mdob11

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

@TheAlexNevil

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

@maisondecris

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

@ericsshadow

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

@MumInBits

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

@murrman5

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?