You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.