You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
This is hilarious….
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.