You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.