“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Warm pools make me nervous.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.