– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
You Might Also Like
This guy’s not having it 😆
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?