You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle