“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Not all heroes wear capes…
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”