You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
This did not end as expected.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My last name is Zilla.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
New favorite tiktok
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.