You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

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*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people


[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.


If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?


I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.


Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.


Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.


My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me