Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MrEd_EVH

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

@Book_Krazy

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

@fillthevacuum

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

@gobmentcheese

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@SCbchbum

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

@brian_bilston

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

@mommywhitfield

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

@julescategory5

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me