You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?