You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21