You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime