You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
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Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”