You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
March 16
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Shark week, but for squirrels.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying