You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
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Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*