You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Saint West, the patron of selfies
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”