You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
I wanna be friends with this person
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.