You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory