@TheNardvark

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

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@TrainedHedonist

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

@PeachCoffin

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

@iLikeCatShirts

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

@iamkits

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

@QwertyJones3

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

@candlelit_moth

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

@ramblinma

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

@NicCageMatch

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

@RebeccaRHelm

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING