@TrainedHedonist Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
@TheNardvark You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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@TrainedHedonist 
@PeachCoffin The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
@iLikeCatShirts *Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
@iamkits Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
@Writepop “And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
@QwertyJones3 I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
@candlelit_moth If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
@ramblinma “Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
@NicCageMatch Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
@RebeccaRHelm Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
