You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

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Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.


The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.


*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!


Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.


“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows


I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.


If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”


“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING