You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I know
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.