YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
🐕🍷
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb