“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
why no one uses midhusbands
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
The news is so predictable nowadays
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.