You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
So creative 😂
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.