You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”