You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs


I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”


I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed


Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.


nurse: she’s dead

me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope


Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass