You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
? 💀
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?