Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Wife: No reason.
Wife: Here, taste this.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Officer: have you been drinking?
Officer: You can’t just keep..