@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

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@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

@ChristineVinard

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@emceekayvee

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

@AnneHatfieldVO

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@ghostkrogh

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

@

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

@mrmxy

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

@jojipaints

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

@Brianhopecomedy

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.