You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”