you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Why are bridges so flammable.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I want this so bad
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.