You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.