@thomasdynamic

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

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@NoticablyBacon

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

@chrissyteigen

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

@UncleDuke1969

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

@roxiqt

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@Defiant_Doll

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.