You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“and how does that make you feel?”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.