You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
In banana years, I am bread.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Buck naked
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred