You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
ugh not again
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*