You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!