‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I hope it’s French Onion!
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.