You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’