You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
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WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.