You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep